The Joke Page
A lady went into a bar in Waco and saw a cowboy with his feet propped upon a
table. He had the biggest boots she'd ever seen. The woman asked the cowboy if
it's true what they say about men with big feet.
The cowboy grinned and said, "Shore is, little lady! Why don't you come on
out to the bunkhouse and let me prove it to you?"
The woman wanted to find out for herself, so she spent the night with him. The
next morning she handed him a $100 bill.
Blushing, he said, "Well, thankee, ma'am. Ah'm real flattered. Ain't nobody
ever paid me fer mah services before."
The woman replied, "Don't be flattered... take the money and buy yourself
some boots that fit."
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Dave takes a blonde girl on a date. First they go to dinner, and then they
head out to Lovers’ Point, where they begin making out. Things start to get
heavy, so Dave asks her, “Do you want to move into the back seat?”
“No,” she answers.
OK, he thinks, maybe she’s not ready. But then she takes her shirt off and
dangles it in front of Dave’s eager eyes. They go at it some more, and the
windows begin to steam up. When she starts to unzip his pants, he asks her
again, “Do you want to get into the back seat?”
“No!” she says.
Now she is almost totally naked. Her panties are lying on the floorboard, and
she’s kicking her high heels out the window. She wraps her fingers around his
underwear and begins to pull them off.
“Do you want to get into the back seat now?” he asks.
“No!” she answers, getting angry.
“Well, why not?” he demands.
“Because I want to stay up here with you!”
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There was a couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the lights. Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she suddenly turned on the lights. She looked down ... and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated pleasure device... a vibrator! Soft, wonderful and larger than a "real one". She went completely ballistic. "You impotent bastard," she screamed at him, "How could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself! "The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly "I'll explain the toy... you explain the kids."
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A kindergarten teacher decides she’s going to give a lesson
about the five senses. She wants to start with taste, so she brings flavored
sucking candies to class, blindfolds the children, and asks them to taste each
one. The students have no problem identifying the cherry, lemon, and lime
flavors, but when it comes to the honey sucker, they’re stumped.
“I’ll give you a hint,” the teacher says. “You may sometimes hear your
mommies and daddies call each other this flavor at home.”
“Spit ’em out! Spit ’em out!” cries one child. “They’re assholes!”
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Two midgets pick up a couple of hookers and take them to their
Vegas hotel room for a little fun. After a few cocktails and some dancing, the
lights go out, but the night doesn’t go as planned. The first midget not only
can’t get a hard-on, but all night he has to listen to his buddy grunting
“One, two, three, huh!” over and over. In the morning his pal asks him,
“So, how was it?”
“I can’t believe how much it sucked,” says the first midget. “I
couldn’t get hard all night. I’m so ashamed.” The second midget answers,
“You think that’s bad? I couldn’t even get up on the bed!”
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A woman goes to the doctor's office.
"Doctor, I've got a strange problem I need your
opinion on."
"Could you describe the symptoms to me ?" he asked.
"Well, it's easier if I show you," she said and,
standing up, proceeded to undress. When she was
down to her underwear she sat on the edge of the
examining table and spread her legs to reveal two
small green circles on her inner thighs.
"They don't hurt or anything, but I was a little
worried about them."
The doctor looked closely at the two circles and said,
"Are you a lesbian, by any chance ?"
Embarrassed and slightly uneasy with this question coming from a man
with his head between her thighs, she replied "Well, yes, I am actually.
Why do you ask?"
"Well, I'm afraid you'll have to tell your girlfriend that her earrings
are not real gold."
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The difference between a man and a savings bond?
A savings bond eventually matures.
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A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a
little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, "Jeesh,
I wonder what happened to this parrot?"
The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot. "Holy
shit," he guy replies. "You actually understood and answered me!"
"I got every word," says the parrot. "I happen to be a highly
intelligent, thoroughly educated bird."
"Oh yeah?", the guy asks, "Then answer this....How do you hang
onto your perch without any feet?" "Well," the parrot says,
"this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap my 'willie' around
this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it because of my
feathers." "Wow" says the guy. "You really can understand
and speak English, can't you?" "Actually, I speak both Spanish and
English and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic:!
politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at
ornithology. You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion." The guy
looks at the $200 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can't afford that."
"Pssst" says the parrot...."I'm defective, so the truth is,
nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You probably can get me for $20.
Just make the guy an offer! "The guy offers $20 and walks out with the
parrot. Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humor,
he's interesting, he's a pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and
he's insightful. The guy is delighted. One day he comes home from work and the
parrot goes "Psssst" and motions him over with one wing. "I don't
know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the
postman." "What are you talking about?" asks the guy.
"When the postman delivered today, your wife greeted him at the door in a
sheer black nightly and kissed him passionately."
"WHAT???" the guy asks incredulously. "THEN what happened?"
"Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her
nightie and began petting her all over," reported the parrot.
"My God!" he exclaims. "Then what?" "Then he lifted up
her nighty, got down on his knees and began to kiss her all over, starting with
her breasts and slowly going down. WELL???" demands the frantic guy.
"THEN WHAT HAPPENED?" "Damned if I know, I got a hard-on and fell
off my perch."
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Three men stand before St. Peter awaiting admission into
Heaven. However, St. Peter has been informed that Heaven will only admit 33% of
applicants today. The admissions standard: Who died the worst death? So, St.
Peter takes each of the three men aside in turn and asks them about how they
died.
First man: "I'd been suspecting for a long time that my wife was cheating
on me. I decided to come home early from work one afternoon and check to see if
I could catch her in the act. When I got back to my apartment, I heard the water
running. My wife was in the shower. I looked everywhere for the guy, but
couldn't find anyone or any trace that he had been there. The last place I
looked was out on the balcony.
I found the guy hanging from the edge, trying to get back in! So I started
jumping up and down on his hands, and he yelled, but he didn't fall. So I ran
inside and got a hammer, and crushed his fingers with it until he fell
twenty-five floors screaming in agony. But the fall didn't kill the jerk. He
landed in some bushes! So I dragged the refrigerator from the kitchen (it
weighed about a ton), pulled it to the balcony, and hurled it over the edge. It
landed right on the guy and killed him. But then I felt so horrible about what I
had done, I went back into the bedroom and shot myself."
St. Peter nodded slowly as the man recounted the story. Then, telling the first
man to wait, he took the second aside.
Second man: "I lived on the twenty-seventh floor of this apartment
building. I had just purchased this book on morning exercises and was practicing
them on my balcony, enjoying the sunshine, when I lost my balance and fell off
the edge. Luckily, I only fell about two floors before grabbing another balcony
and holding on for dear life. I was trying to pull myself up when this guy came
running onto what must have been his balcony and started jumping up and down on
my hands. I screamed in pain, but he seemed really irate. When he finally
stopped, I tried to pull myself up again, but he came out with a hammer and
smashed my fingers to a pulp! I fell, and I thought I was dead, but I landed in
some bushes. I couldn't believe my second stroke of luck, but it didn't last.
The last thing I saw was this enormous refrigerator falling from the building
down on top of me and crushing me."
St. Peter comforted the man, who seemed to have several broken bones. Then he
told him to wait, and turned to the third man.
Third man: "Picture this. You're hiding, naked, in a refrigerator..."
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A guy is walking along the strip in Las Vegas and a knockout
hooker catches his eye. He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks the
hooker, "How much?" The Hooker replies, "It starts at $500 for a
hand-job." Guy says, "$500 dollars! For a hand-job! No hand-job is
worth that kind of money!" The hooker says, "Do you see that Denny's
on the corner?" "Yes." "Do you see the Denny's about a block
further down?" "Yes." "And beyond that, do you see that
third Denny's?" "Yes." "Well," says the hooker, smiling
invitingly, "I own those. And, I own them because I give a hand-job that's
worth $500." Guy says, "What the hell? I'll give it a try."
They retire to a nearby motel. A short time later, the guy is sitting on the bed
realizing that he just experienced the hand-job of a lifetime, worth every bit
of $500. He is so amazed, he says, "I suppose a blow-job is $1,000?"
The hooker replies, "$1,500." "$1,500? No blow-job could be worth
that."
The hooker replies, "Step over here to the window, big boy. Do you see that
casino just across the street? I own that casino outright. And I own it because
I give a blow-job that's worth every cent of $1,500." The guy, basking in
the afterglow of that terrific hand-job, says, "Sign me up."
Ten minutes later, he is sitting on the bed more amazed than before. He can't
believe it but he feels he truly got his money's worth. He decides to dip into
the retirement savings for one glorious and unforgettable experience. He asks
the hooker, "How much for some pussy?" The hooker says, "Come
over here to the window. Do you see how the whole city of Las Vegas is laid out
before us, all those beautiful lights, gambling palaces, and showplaces?"
"Damn!" the guy says, in awe, "You own the whole city?"
"No," the hooker replies, "but I would if I had a pussy."
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Jesus saw a crowd chasing down a woman to stone her and
approached them. "What's going on here, anyway?" he asked.
"This woman was found committing adultery and the law says we should stone
her!" one of the crowd responded.
"Wait," yelled Jesus, "Let he who is without sin cast the first
stone."
Suddenly, a stone was thrown from out of the sky, and knocked the woman on the
side of her head.
"Aw, c'mon, Dad...," Jesus cried, "I'm trying to make a point
here!"
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There was this gas station in "redneck country" trying
to increase its sales, so the owner put up a sign saying "Free Sex with
Fill-up."
Soon a "redneck" customer pulled in, filled his tank, and then asked
for his free sex.
The owner told him to pick a number from (1) to (10), and if he guessed
correctly, he would get his free sex. The buyer then guessed (8) and the
proprietor said, "No, you were close. The number was (7). Sorry, no free
sex this time but maybe next time".
Some time thereafter, the same man, along with his buddy this time, pulled in
again for a fill-up, and again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor again
gave him the same story and asked him to guess the correct number.
The man guessed (2) this time, and the proprietor said, "Sorry, it was (3).
You were close but no free sex this time".
As they were driving away, the driver said to his buddy, "I think that
game is rigged and he doesn't give away free sex".
The buddy replied, "No, it's not rigged ------- my wife won twice last
week."
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A dog is in the veterinarian's office and notices another dog
waiting to see the doc. "What are you in here for" he asks.
The second dog replies, "See my owner here"? "He bought a new
couch, and I was playing on it and tore the thing up. I am getting declawed".
Then he asked the first dog, "Why are you here"? And he replied,
"See my owner"? "She was wearing a short nightie last night. She
bent over to pick up a newspaper, and wasn't wearing any underwear. I mounted
her". "Oh man", replied the second dog. "Are you getting
neutered"? "No" replied the dog.
"I'm getting declawed too"!
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Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.
When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven:
don't step on the ducks!" So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are
ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and
although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps
on one. Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter
chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is
to spend eternity chained to this ugly man! "The next day, the second woman
steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a
thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the
same admonishment as for the first woman. The third woman has observed all this
and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY
careful where she steps. She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks,
but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever
laid eyes on ... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin. St. Peter chains
them together without saying a word. The happy woman says, "I wonder what I
did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"
The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"
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Chinese Proverbs
Man who run in front of car get tired.
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Man who run behind car get exhausted.
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Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
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Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.
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Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.
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Man with one chopstick go hungry.
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Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.
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Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
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Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.
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Panties not best thing on earth! but next to best thing on earth.
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War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.
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Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.
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Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
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It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.
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Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
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Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
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Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
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Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.
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Man who fart in church sit in own pew.
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Crowded elevator smell different to midget.
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