Situation 0003: MAN RULES

Jake Style Tips the Woman Should Know

Every man is subjected to the rules of women...and frankly we are tired of it...A men's revolt as recently come to the forefront of modern day society...Women of the 00's, listen up! This is the MAN rules for the new generation...and if you don't like them, well...we'll be on the couch.  - Your Pal in Male-dom, Jake

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up. If it's not up, it gets pissed on. It's much easier for you to tip it down in a hurry than it is for us to bend over and lift it up in a hurry. And besides, you don't hear us bitching about you leaving it down.
2. Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.
3. Saturday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
4. Don't cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair.
5. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
6. Crying, nagging, bitching, and screaming are blackmail, and you should feel guilty.
7. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
8. We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand.
9. Most guys own three pairs of shoes - tops. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?
10. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to every question. No other words are required.
11. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
12. Check your oil! Please!
13. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
14. If you think you're fat, you probably are. There is no right way for us to answer.
15. And no, that shirt doesn't make you look fat, the fat makes you look fat.
16. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
17. Let us oogle. We are going to look anyway; it's genetic.
18. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know the only way for it to be done right, just do it yourself.
19. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
20. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.
21. ALL men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a colour. We have no idea what mauve is.
22. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
23. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.
24. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
25. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
26. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.
27. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as the formation of navel lint, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.
28. You have enough clothes.
29. You have too many shoes.
30. No NO you REALLY do have too many shoes.
31. It is neither in your best interest or ours to take the quiz together. No, it doesn't matter which quiz.
32. BEER is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.
33. I'm in shape. ROUND is a shape.
34. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but that's ok because it's sort of like camping.

Ladies take heart...Understand these and your relationship with the Neanderthals that we men are will run much smoother. I feel like Dear Abbey... - Jake

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