|
Situation 0001: Code Name
Butt Plug Public
Pooping - The Files
I'm sure everyone has gone through this...So take
Jake's Survial Poop Tips to Heart everytime you feel that urge at work and
it just won't wait for you inviting, cozy bathroom abode at home. Pull up
a stall and relax because pooping is an artform to be crafted and there is
no one for full of crap than your pal Jake....
ESCAPEE.
Definition: a fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or
forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of
panic embarrassment. This is similar to the hot flash you receive when
passing an unseen police car and speeding. If you release an escapee, do
not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to
the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an
escapee, it is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing
makes both parties feel uneasy.
JAILBREAK
(Used in conjunction with ESCAPEE).
Definition: When forcing poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun
pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this
should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left
the bathroom so to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.
COURTESY
FLUSH.
Definition: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose cone of
the poop log hits the water and the poop is whisked away to an undisclosed
location. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the
bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.
WALK
OF SHAME.
Definition: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you
have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment
if someone walks in and busts you. As with all farts, it is best to
pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the
COURTESY FLUSH.
OUT
OF THE CLOSET POOPER.
Definition: A colleague who poops at work and damn proud of it. You will
often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper
or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of
The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.
THE
POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (PFN).
Definition: A group of coworkers who band together to ensure emergency
pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the
whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.
SAFE
HAVENS.
Definition: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can
least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite
sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the
bathroom.
TURD
BURGLAR:
Definition: A pooper who does not realize that you are in the stall and
tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and
vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a dump at work. If this
occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you
will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.
CAMO-COUGH.
Definition: A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom
that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to
alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction
with an ASTAIRE.
ASTAIRE.
Definition: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars
that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall
is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the
pooper can poop in peace.
WATERMELON.
Definition: A turd that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet
water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon
coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.
HAVANA
OMELET.
Definition: A load of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in
the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough
with an Astaire.
UNCLE
TED.
Definition: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could
spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the
pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you
should always wait to drop your load when the bathroom is empty. This
benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees. they
FLY
BY.
Definition: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and
check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and
come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may
become suspicious if catch you constantly going into the bathroom.So
there you have it...Follow these tips at work and you are in the clear...JakeStyle Back
to the Bored Page
|
